Lately, I have been burdened for men. I found myself reading Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly and as my eyes perused the pages, my smile faded and tears started to form. Glaring research shows that women daily shame the men in their lives.
Why do we as women treat many of the good men in our lives so poorly? Many of us are graced with good and godly men in our lives who we continue to belittle. Here is where we take stock and choose to do differently.
You see, We give our men ultimatums:
“Make more money! Get a better job! Buy me a bigger house! Spend more time with me, Spend more time with your family! Be more sensitive! Take me on vacations! Spoil me and romance me! Buy me flowers!… For Christ’s Sake – Act like a man or else!”
While these may all seem like legitimate requests, we hinge their character upon their ability to do (sounds familiar). We limit them to a check list of must haves and must dos instead of truly valuing them as a person with both feelings and emotions whether they express them or not.
I do not know your particular situation but I do know that life occurs in seasons. There may be legitimate needs that we as women have but we cannot expect all these needs to be met at the same time. Each season requires that we sacrifice something else. We set men up for failure when we entrust them with the role of Savior even though we know they cannot save us. They will fail at this because they too are imperfect just like we are.
Talking at our spouses instead of talking to our with our spouses is not acceptable. We tell them to put up or shut up which makes them pissed off and shut down. We steam-roll them on social media outlets and with our girl-friends talking about what they fail to do. We complain. We nag. We whine. We become co-dependent. We highlight their failures by comparing them to other husbands, fathers and men. Shaming them for who they are and who they cannot be. Giving them no room to be vulnerable. We project our insecurity.
WE HAVE SINNED AGAINST GOD AND OUR SPOUSES WHEN WE DO THIS.
Many times we entrust them with our bodies but not with our heart. We wield our bodies to manipulate them into doing our bidding and then complain when they do not comply. Ladies, let’s check our motives.
There will always seem like there is someone who looks better and who does it better but our goal is not to seek better with another.
IT IS TO SEE AND SEEK THE BEST IN OUR OWN SPOUSE.
We err when we associate a man showing vulnerability with weakness but could it be humility or strength. Could it be that this man loves and respects you so much that he chooses to share with you the most intimate part of himself without taking you to the bedroom?
THE QUESTION IS LADIES: CAN WE HANDLE IT?
Or do our own insecurities manifest during these times.
Our actions and words many times insinuate that we would rather a powerful man over a humble man and that a humble man has no power. This could not be furthest from the truth. Pride and power are not the same things.
We idolize the bad boy stereotypes propagated in our society then lament when they do not do right by us. We must acknowledge that we too have helped perpetuate the persona by forcing our men to take care of us and ‘man up’ by any means necessary. We liken their ability to provide with their self-worth.
We feed them the same lie that the enemy has fed us from since the beginning of time: “You are not enough!” – We’ve got to apologize! We will be held accountable for every word spoken. We must hold them to the same standard. We cannot claim to love them and not respect them.
I know some guys act like jerks but we as women do as well. Let’s be fair.
We have to do better:
Admit our hypocrisy. Repent. Pray for our brothers, friends, boyfriends, fiances, sons, and husbands. Respect their differences. Acknowledge and encourage them in the good that they do. Accept that you cannot and will not change him – only GOD can do that. Play fair! Initiate acts of love. Congratulate and celebrate. Speak well of them to their peers. Prayerfully address concerns at the right time with the right tone. Listen. Engage them in conversation. Respect their times of silence. Take a time out. Apologize. Forgive. Love.
And when you’ve done all of this – Do it again. Help him to help you. Intimacy makes them feel worthy. It helps us feel worthy.
“Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.” – Prov. 5:15-17
Pornography begets hollow promises of ‘no rejection’ regardless of your competency, age, status, or state of mind. It plagues on the fallacy of scarcity. It works on the premise that every man deserves to be wanted and celebrated by any means necessary even to their own destruction. Let’s not set them up to fall. Cultivating intimacy is high stakes for both men and women. Acknowledge it.
Seek contentment which produces joy. Joy will spur us on to hope and happiness. Relish the spouse you have. Enjoy them for this time is fleeting and will soon come to and end. Your present situation is only temporary. Choose to love in grace and truth while in the midst of it. Do not harden your heart.
My dearest sister: You are worthy…You are as worthy as your partner and spouse. He deserves all good things as well which also includes you. Do not let your pride and your unrealistic expectations keeps you from truly enjoying all that God has for you – imperfect and all.
LET US LOVE EACH OTHER IN OUR BROKENNESS KNOWING FULLY THAT CHRIST IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE US WHOLE.