In Defense of Men

shoes, men, defense, essay

Lately, I have been burdened for men. I found myself reading Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly  and as my eyes perused the pages, my smile faded and tears started to form. Glaring research shows that women daily shame the men in their lives.

Why do we as women treat many of the good men in our lives so poorly? Many of us are graced with good and godly men in our lives who we continue to belittle. Here is where we take stock and choose to do differently.

You see, We give our men ultimatums:

“Make more money!  Get a better job! Buy me a bigger house! Spend more time with me, Spend more time with your family! Be more sensitive! Take me on vacations! Spoil me and romance me! Buy me flowers!… For Christ’s Sake – Act like a man or else!”

While these may all seem like legitimate requests, we hinge their character upon their ability to do (sounds familiar). We limit them to a check list of must haves and must dos instead of truly valuing them as a person with both feelings and emotions whether they express them or not.

I do not know your particular situation but I do know that life occurs in seasons. There may be legitimate needs that we as women have but we cannot expect all these needs to be met at the same time. Each season requires that we sacrifice something else. We set men up for failure when we entrust them with the role of Savior even though we know they cannot save us. They will fail at this because they too are imperfect just like we are.

Kim Speaks Up- Daring Greatly 2

SHOW GRACE.

Talking at our spouses instead of talking to our with our spouses is not acceptable. We tell them to put up or shut up which makes them pissed off and shut down. We steam-roll them on social media outlets and with our girl-friends talking about what they fail to do. We complain. We nag. We whine. We become co-dependent. We highlight their failures by comparing them to other husbands, fathers and men. Shaming them for who they are and who they cannot be. Giving them no room to be vulnerable. We project our insecurity.

WE HAVE SINNED AGAINST GOD AND OUR SPOUSES WHEN WE DO THIS.

Many times we entrust them with our bodies but not with our heart. We wield our bodies to manipulate them into doing our bidding and then complain when they do not comply. Ladies, let’s check our motives.

There will always seem like there is someone who looks better and who does it better but our goal is not to seek better with another.

IT IS TO SEE AND SEEK THE BEST IN OUR OWN SPOUSE.

We err when we associate a man showing vulnerability with weakness but could it be humility or strength. Could it be that this man loves and respects you so much that he chooses to share with you the most intimate part of himself without taking you to the bedroom?

THE QUESTION IS LADIES: CAN WE HANDLE IT?

Or do our own insecurities manifest during these times.

Our actions and words many times insinuate that we would rather a powerful man over a humble man and that a humble man has no power. This could not be furthest from the truth. Pride and power are not the same things.

Kim Speaks Up - The Power Suit

We idolize the bad boy stereotypes propagated in our society then lament when they do not do right by us. We must acknowledge that we too have helped perpetuate the persona by forcing our men to take care of us and ‘man up’ by any means necessary. We liken their ability to provide with their self-worth.

We feed them the same lie that the enemy has fed us from since the beginning of time: “You are not enough!” – We’ve got to apologize! We will be held accountable for every word spoken. We must hold them to the same standard. We cannot claim to love them and not respect them.

I know some guys act like jerks but we as women do as well. Let’s be fair.

We have to do better:

Admit our hypocrisy. Repent. Pray for our brothers, friends, boyfriends, fiances, sons, and husbands. Respect their differences. Acknowledge and encourage them in the good that they do. Accept that you cannot and will not change him – only GOD can do that. Play fair! Initiate acts of love. Congratulate and celebrate. Speak well of them to their peers. Prayerfully address concerns at the right time with the right tone. Listen. Engage them in conversation. Respect their times of silence. Take a time out. Apologize. Forgive. Love.

bride-and-groom-768594_1280

And when you’ve done all of this – Do it again. Help him to help you. Intimacy makes them feel worthy. It helps us feel worthy.

“Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.” – Prov.‬ ‭5:15-17‬ ‭

Pornography begets hollow promises of ‘no rejection’ regardless of your competency, age, status, or state of mind. It plagues on the fallacy of scarcity. It works on the premise that every man deserves to be wanted and celebrated by any means necessary even to their own destruction. Let’s not set them up to fall. Cultivating intimacy is high stakes for both men and women. Acknowledge it.

Kim Speaks Up- Daring Greatly 1

Seek contentment which produces joy. Joy will spur us on to hope and happiness. Relish the spouse you have. Enjoy them for this time is fleeting and will soon come to and end. Your present situation is only temporary. Choose to love in grace and truth while in the midst of it. Do not harden your heart.

REJECT RESENTMENT

My dearest sister: You are worthy…You are as worthy as your partner and spouse. He deserves all good things as well which also includes you. Do not let your pride and your unrealistic expectations keeps you from truly enjoying all that God has for you – imperfect and all.

LET US LOVE EACH OTHER IN OUR BROKENNESS KNOWING FULLY THAT CHRIST IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE US WHOLE. 

  • Tauheedah Muhammad

    In love with this Kim. I once told someone that I dated, that I enjoyed him much better when he was vulnerable. When he didn’t think so much about what he thought I wanted to hear or what he though I wanted him to do. That those were all built by society and to share what he truly felt in his heart. Needless to say, it was hard for him of course to be that limitless, but it definitely gave him a different perspective of women. You hit the nail on the head here Kim. If we expect God fearing men that walk in His image, we have to walk with them.

    • Thanks Tei! It’s serious out here. I really wanted to cry reading the stats. I too am guilty of the unrealistic expectations.

  • Mim

    Wow! What an eye opener! This was perfectly written and your layout was flawless! Thank you for sharing!

  • CouponDivaAndi

    i really appreciated that last part about receiving ALL that God has for us 😀

  • Beautiful post and such a great message! I don’t have a man in my life right now, but can think back on past relationships when reading through this. I’ll be pinning this to refer back to when I’m back in the saddle again! Thanks for sharing this!

  • Thank you for being brave enough to speak truth! Words that are sometimes hard to hear, sometimes hard to say, yet so very needed in our society. A good reminder for all of us!

  • Great words and advice that is hard for many to follow. Thankfully I have a great example of marriage and relationships through my parents, so whenever I am in a relationship I try to up build and strengthen my man rather than tear him down or constantly make demands of him

  • Natasha Smith

    Powerful post and well written. I am thankful for the the leading of God to humble myself in my marriage and to truly allow my husband to be the head of the house and to treat him as such while building him up! Again, great post!
    -Natasha | http://www.lovelyyoublog.com

  • This is a truly wonderful post. Must bookmark! It is easy to look down on my husband especially at this most vulnerable time in his life because he is physically sick and unable to do a great deal of many things that normal people can do. I am also unable to do things as well as I did because I am about to give birth in two months time. The responsibilities he used to take on, I now take on and with much difficulty because of our financial situation and his illness. I continue to trust God that the Lord will be my main provider and refuge while still respecting and loving my husband at the same time.

    http://modernlifesurvivalist.com
    http://alamodest.com

  • All Inspired Mom

    Yes, yes, yes!!! Raising my hands up! I’ve been married almost 14 years and it has taken me years to realize this. How do we say we love them then ridicule them at the same time…powerful! Awesome post!!!!

  • I love this post!!! Thanks for the encouragement!! 🙂

  • I ABSOLUTELY love this post! I feel as a society we are just really down on men and low expectations breed poor results.

  • Cat Elsby

    This is a beautiful post. It’s so frustrating to me when I see wives and girlfriends belittling their men when they’re trying so hard “to be men.” I’m not saying I’m not guilty of some of this, but I’ve definitely been more respectful and grateful for my man in recent times.

  • Kasi Perkins

    Great post! It’s easy to accidentally knock someone down when you think they are lacking something, but it’s important not to, and to encourage instead.

  • Amen! LOVE this. I hate hearing long-time married women talking about their husbands like they’re dumb baboons. “Well, because HE washed the dishes last night so of course it wasn’t good enough” Girl, he washed the dishes! Be grateful!

  • BreAnna Davis

    Pride is the most powerful thing ever! We really can get in the way of our selves and sabotage the growth of others/relationship with others when we let pride dominate. I’m with you, more vulnerability, communication, humility, and encouragment. These things go a long way!

  • Ursula Ball

    Amen! Both women and men need to encourage each other as Christ will have us to do for each other!!

    Ursula aka Blueridge Beauty

  • I am not a religious and am a feminist but I still believe we should treat men how we want to be treated and not manipulate them into doing our bidding.
    http://www.fadedspring.co.uk

  • Great post! In all honesty, it’s hard sometimes to practice grace with the men in our lives, but it takes daily prayer.

  • Kristi Finefrock

    Love, Love, Love this! Our men should be respected whether we feel like they deserve it or not because God calls us to do it. Respecting them will only bring them closer to God’s will for their lives and help express love to them in ways, we women can’t completely understand. Thank you for sharing this!

  • What a powerful post! Like literally I needed to read this. I am not married but I am dating. I dont date bad boys at all but I do fall victim of some of the demands I expect from a man to date me. It can be pushy and also push him away…I also need to learn how to uplift, compliment and praise more instead of making dating all about what I am getting. There is a Godly way to do things and sometimes I really forget to tap into these ideologies more often. Super great post, I am gonna pray and mediate on your post and save this so I can re-read this to make me a better woman and lover.

  • Val

    Whew – this is heavy stuff! This definitely takes work and is something I needed to read today. Thanks so much!

  • I have this book and have been wanting to read it for a while.
    I will say that I am guilty of shaming the men in my life. I *think* I ma helping but seem to be a bit shrewish. I will be making some changes in my speak.

  • Great post for sure, there is always room for doing better. I’m sure my Babe would appreciate that.

  • Christine St.Vil

    I haven’t heard of this book but this is such an important topic! I used to do that, but now, I shout from the rooftop about my amazing hubby! I am beyond grateful to him, and I appreciate when he’s vulnerable enough with me to share his thoughts/feelings.

  • JoAnna Niles

    This is awesome. I haven’t heard of this book, but I’ll definitely look it up.

  • There were sooooo many good points in this post! Even before marriage a lot of these are good to think about.

  • Tyra

    I haven’t heard of this book at all but this is great material. So many valid points that can really affect a marriage.

  • Jonna

    Awesome awesome post. We as women have to step up and own the fact that this is a man that WE CHOSE to be with. Own our mess and not ‘yeah, but he…’.

  • Thank you so much for sharing these. We get so caught up in the stereotype of women being hurt by men that we forget that men have feelings, too!

  • Tunisia

    This post is making me want to purchase Brene Brown’s book. It sounds very interesting. I feel like this idea of the man being a Savior stems from childhood with the prince coming to save the princess in all these fairy-tale movies. Unfortunately, little girls are taught this idea at an extremely early age and grow up to become women with unrealistic expectations. On the flip side, little boys are taught to hold in their feelings because “boys don’t cry.” This dichotomy of “knight in shining armor” syndrome and “man up” disease makes relationships extremely hard and unhealthy because we, men and women, first, have to recognize the program that was placed in our minds at an early age and then work through unraveling the false messaging in hopes to seek a better way of communication and love with one another. That’s my two cents at least.

    By the way, this is my post I’m reading from your blog and I am looking forward to reading more. This one was thought-provoking and I love when a blog post is making me think.

    http://www.tunisiajolyn.com